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Originally I was going to write about how Danny and I had to break our lease to our apartment and buy a three bedroom home in one month, but after yesterday's post comments, I feel that I need to write about something that's on the tip of my brain today. That is, "get your own adoption." So what do I mean by this? Well, first, it's a funny little joke that Hannah and the rest of the family has about her birthday. When we celebrated her twelfth birthday back in April, the other two kids, at various points, tried to intervene on what Hannah should do for it. She retorted, "get your own birthday," and it has been a line that we continue to use, light-heartedly of course. That said, this might be a touchy subject, and some of you might even find it offensive, and that's okay. I was told that as a parent, if I am not upsetting my kids at least a couple times a week I am not doing my job. I am going to take that liberty as a parent-blogger now.
Some people have made the choice to compare their situation in life to ours. Some of those people are certainly justified in their thinking. For example, I have an amazing friend who adopted her cousin's baby. She and her husband are "mom" and "dad," and bio mom is welcome into the baby's life with visits, etc., but she's not "mom." And, to be honest, she shouldn't be. Giving birth to a child does not automatically make you mom; being a mom is about loving, raising, and parenting a child. So, if you didn't give birth to a child, but you adopted them, you are automatically a mom. Congrats! So many thank you's to those that have wished me a happy first Mother's Day this year and continue to refer to me as the kids' "mom."
Some of you still not convinced? Ok, would you tell someone they aren't a mom who spent countless hours of blood, sweat, and tears to adopt a child from a foreign country? Would you say to them, "well you didn't give birth to that child, so teeeeechnicalllly you aren't their mother." I call BS! This is SO offensive, you wouldn't dream of saying it! So why do some people still continue to insist that my adopted children don't have to call me mom? Is it because my kids are already my family? Because at one point in their lives I was their aunt? This is seriously extremely hurtful to me. Most of these people are those that have had a step parent in their lives. Let me explain how our situation, and those who adopt a child, is no where near the same as having a step parent come into their life.
Let's start with the most obvious difference here: Danny and I are not remarrying anyone, we are staying married and ADOPTING three children. Whether these three children were tiny babies, or all teenagers, we are ADOPTING them. We are not seeking love from another adult, divorcing, remarrying, and then having step children. Typing this just now makes me realize how ridiculous it is to even come close to comparing the two. So, I get it. You might be a child of divorce, or more tragically, one of your parents passed away, and then your parent remarried. I pray that your step parent was good to you, a role model, or even better, a parent and someone you love and admire. But it was your parent's choice to remarry and it was the spouse's choice to parent or love you as a child. The main purpose people marry one another (or at least I hope this is why) is because they love EACH OTHER, and then hopefully they love the kids too if one or both spouses has children from another marriage, etc. This is NOT what Danny and I are doing... at all. Our situation is NOTHING like this. Again, we are ADOPTING three children. Our love for one another came first, and then, Poof! it's like the cartoon stork delivered our babies, (but they aren't babies), and our dream to start a family came true. Therefore, I will never accept, "well as long as your children call you something out of love, it doesn't matter what they call you." No. It matters. My "mom" status matters to me! Why am I ridiculed for this? Not fair!
This brings me to my second point, and this goes for all of you parents out there. Would you really let your child call you anything but "mom" or "dad" (or a variation close to it, i.e. "mommy," mother," "momma,""daddy," "father," "pops," etc.)? I mean seriously. Unless you are too cool for school (nothing wrong with that, that's your choice!) and you let your kids call you by your first name, most parents want to take on that mom and dad name because they've taken on the role of mom and dad. Why should it be any different for Danny and me? What right does anyone have to take away our earned title as mom and dad? Believe me, if you are just trying to be "nice," by saying things like, "it's okay if they don't call you mom," news flash: you aren't being nice! You are displaying your ignorance as a birth giver and you feel some type of entitlement over me because I didn't carry my three children in my womb. What you say hurts me. You don't think I don't suffer from that fact? That I will never get that chance to house my children in my womb? How insensitive of you... give me my time to grieve and keep your mouth shut.
My final point is this: unless you've actually experienced adopting a child, you really will never know what it's like. Heck, sometimes I even have my moments and can't believe that all of this is happening, and I am living it! I totally get that if I forced a title on my kids, they would resent me. I never deny them the right to talk about their bio parents, good or bad, and I never force them to call me "mom." When they do name drop "mom," I get this warm fuzzy feeling that I have never felt in my entire life until now. And who knows...? maybe Michael is entitled to call me "Momzilla." After writing this heart-felt, controversial post, I kind of feel like a "Momzilla." In that case, "Roar! Get your own adoption, roar!"